i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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