i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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