There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
