party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
