I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
