I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
