Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
