You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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