Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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