Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
