Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
