If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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