i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.