All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?