I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.