Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
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Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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