I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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