I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
