someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
