It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Someone came in the potted fern
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
