he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
