in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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