Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
