Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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