I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
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she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
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I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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