I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
