I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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