He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
