If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
