My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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