Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
