Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
