my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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