whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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