then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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