i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
