butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
