when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
