I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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