I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
How naked do you want me to be?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
