chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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