I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
