The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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