new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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