I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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