Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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