u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
