I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
