I hate your face
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
