u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
