You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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