I think im going to throw up on grandma
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
