I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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