my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
tell me about the fingering
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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