just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
