Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
