Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
