so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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