The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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