I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
