i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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